IVAN BRAGINSKI: User Guide and Manual
by 0ptimuspenguin
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit. This manual has been provided to ensure that you, the owner, unlock your unit's full potentials...


**Disclaimer: I don't own APH or the writing style, which I believe belongs to Theresa Green. I don't remember, but I saw this style somewhere a while back and thought this would be funny.**

**A/N:** HEY LOOK AT THAT GUYS. 7-13-11 EDIT. because I like my headcanon more than Himaruya's profiles, which have vanished from the Hetalia wikia.

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**Ivan Braginski: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own IVAN BRAGINSKI unit. This manual was written in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this before trying anything. Mistreatment of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit can (and, in most cases, will) prove extremely lethal.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Ivan Braginski. Will respond to "Russia", "Russian Federation", "Soviet Russia", "Soviet Union", "Stalin's bitch", "Muscovy", "Vanya", "Braginski", "Brat", and "Brother" (though a bit hesitantly to the last two, and angrily to anything pertaining to the USSR.)

Age: N/A

Place of Manufacture: Moscow, Russia

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 200 lbs

Length: (unavailable in this manual, as the creators of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit feared for their lives)

**Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit comes with the following: **

One (1) long beige Red Army overcoat

One (1) long white scarf

One (1) Imperial Russia uniform

One (1) water faucet pipe

One (1) Hello Kitty costume

Five (5) bottles of Stolichnaya vodka

**Programming**

Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit comes equipped with the following traits:

Bodyguard: The IVAN BRAGINSKI unit can easily protect you from any threat, but getting him to believe that you are _worth _protecting is a hard task. If you can manage, he will prove to be the best bodyguard money can buy.

Drinker: Need to win some cash? It's easy, if you have an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit! Take him to the nearest bar and start a drinking game, and with your unit's stomach of steel, you are guaranteed to rake in big cash!

Athlete: If you like sports, then this feature is for you. This unit is great at nearly every sport, with his best three being football (or soccer), ice hockey, and tennis; playing him at any game is guaranteed enjoyable, but if he is not in a playful mood then it might be hazardous to your health.

**Removal of your IVAN BRAGINSKI Unit from Packaging**

This may prove to be an extremely difficult task if your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is moved incorrectly, or awakened in the wrong manner. For your safety, we have provided a list of safe ways in which to wake your unit:

1. Stand next to the box and yell, "Brother!" at the top of your lungs. You will hear sobbing from the box, and you can now unlock and unchain it and open it to let a frightened IVAN BRAGINSKI out. He will react warmly once he realizes that you are not a NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit.

2. Undo the chains on the box and stand very far away, preferable at a distance from which you have to use a microphone in order to shout, "The _American_ Armstrong walked on the moon!" You can also yell, "I'm AWESOME!" Both actions will make your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit hostile, though the second phrase might make your unit a bit horny; consequently, he may go off in search of a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit before you can reprogram him.

3. Cook Chinese food, preferably a food with a strong odor, and leave a plate of it next to the box before standing far away. Be warned, the lid may fly off and hit you if you are too close. This will make your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit leave in search of a YAO WANG unit unless you reprogram him quickly enough.

4. Play the Lithuanian, Estonian, or Latvian national anthems and stand far away, preferably behind a barrier of some sort. This will make your unit violent and he will go to find a TORIS LORINAITIS unit unless you reprogram him quickly enough.

5. If you think you can manage, then just open the lid of the box and reprogram him directly. Be warned, because the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is notorious for waking up in the middle of reprogramming, and if he does he will immediately turn hostile.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your IVAN BRAGINSKI out of his box/calm again, you can reprogram him from his normal _Childish _form if you so choose.

_Childish (default)_

_Creepy (default)_

_Sadistic_

_Insane_

_Afraid_

_Out of Character (locked)_

The IVAN BRAGINSKI unit comes in his _Childish _mode, as stated, and his _Creepy _mode is an add-on to his lovable normal personality. If your unit either randomly spews about "becoming one with him" or chants a strange "kol"-like sound, don't be alarmed: this is proof of him being in his normal mood.

His _Sadistic_ mode is a bit more troublesome, however. This can be obtained by simply stating that you prefer beer - especially American beer - over vodka. He will not go on a rampage towards your neighbors, but he will forever onwards be childishly cruel towards you and any other units that he has relationships with.

The_ Insane _mode can be used by offhandedly mentioning your neighbor's TORIS LORINAITIS unit being in love with your other neighbor's FELIKS ŁUKASIEWICZ unit, or something along those lines.

Finding a NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit and telling her that your IVAN BRAGINSKI has just gone to his bedroom will unlock his _Afraid _mode easily enough. He will be too afraid to step outside, and will become withdrawn.

The locked mode, _Out of Character_, is unadvisable, but can be gained through various methods. You could set up a camera in the bedroom of a nearby YAO WANG, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, or any other unit of your choice, and show your IVAN BRAGINSKI the recordings; you could also send him to an AA meeting and, after a few weeks of withdrawal symptoms, he will be extremely loving and kind. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, you could even tie him up in his sleep: when he wakes, he'll see you as a master of sorts. This unit, however, is known to spontaneously burst into his _Sadistic_ or _Insane _modes even if you have programmed him to his Out of Character, so be warned when attempting to dominate him.

**Relationships with Other Units: **

ALFRED F. JONES: These two have a long history and tend to shoot off random insults at each other when sober. They make great drinking buddies, though, as alcohol always helps to soothe those post-war feelings.

YAO WANG: Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit may decide that he wants this unit, and it is not uncommon for your unit to vanish and stalk a YAO WANG unit in his Hello Kitty costume. By default, YAO WANG will constantly reject the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, however, and you might return home one day to find your unit knocking back bottles of vodka.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: While the GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit hates your unit with a passion, IVAN BRAGINSKI quite likes him. If in _Sadistic_, your unit will go to find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If in _Insane_, there is a 60% chance that your unit will go find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. Actually, there's a 50% chance that even in his normal modes, IVAN BRAGINSKI will go find a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any claims filed against you by the angry owner of your unit's targeted GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT.

TORIS LORINAITIS: If in his_ Insane _mode, your unit might go and search for a TORIS LORINAITIS in order to find a sort of peace. TORIS LORINAITIS is more or less your unit's trauma sponge, but he's the type of trauma sponge that you hurl at the ground and and stomp on. Again, we, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any claims filed against you because of your unit's actions.

YEKATERINA CHERNENKO: The older sister of your IVAN BRAGINSKI, this unit will most likely avoid your unit. There's no reason to worry about her unless she is in her locked _Meltdown_ mode.

NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA: The younger sister of your IVAN BRAGINSKI, she might push your unit into the _Afraid _mode if you leave him around her for too long. Be warned that if she sees your unit then she will follow you home and stalk your IVAN BRAGINSKI.

**Cleaning**

Your IVAN BRAGINSKI unit can take care of himself. Reject any of his requests to bathe with you; he will most likely hold your head underwater and say he was shampooing your hair.

**Feeding**

Your unit enjoys Russian cuisine, but he will also eat various other foods. He will not touch hamburgers, however, or beer unless he is playing a drinking game.

**Rest**

This unit sleeps whenever he feels like sleeping. It is not advised to try and wake him up; he will get up as he pleases. You might awaken to find that he has vanished, in which case you don't need to worry because he is probably just off stalking a YAO WANG unit or hiding from the NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit that is stalking _him_.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is threatening to kill me! What should I do?

A: Well, this is one of the risks of buying this unit. However, you can just smile and give him vodka, and he will be happy as a clam again.

Q: The water pipe I was sent broke, and now my unit is ripping apart my sinks searching for a new one. How can I stop him from destroying my house?

A: The best response is to tell him that vodka is better than water pipes, and give him enough to last you a trip to the store to find a pipe identical to the one we sent you.

Q: My unit's scarf got dirty with something that looks suspiciously like blood, but that doesn't matter as much as him rampaging all over the place!

A: Wait for him to sleep, then take the scarf carefully and wash it. If he's so angry that he doesn't sleep, give him vodka and then take the scarf.

You'll find that most of your unit's problems can be solved with a bottle (or ten) of strong vodka. Stolichnaya or other Russian brands are recommended.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your IVAN BRAGINSKI shed his Red Army outfit in exchange for the Imperial Russia style, and now he does nothing but sit quietly and mope. Occasionally he curses at you in Russian and threatens to kill you for being so useless.

Solution: Congratulations! You've managed to unlock his_ Reminiscent_ mode. In this mode, attempting to speak to him will land you a glare and him chanting his trademark "kolkolkol" under his breath; the way to get him out of this is to call a TORIS LORINAITIS over and have him do the hard work. We are not responsible for any damage done to the TORIS LORINAITIS unit.

Problem: Instead of a tall, full-grown Russian male, you received a toddler wearing an overcoat and a dark-colored ushanka.

Solution: We mixed up the order and sent you a little!Russia. This version of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is cute, cuddly, and will not kill you as soon as you make him mad. He is rather trembly, though, and hates the cold; giving him sunflowers, or painting his bedroom yellow, will make him adore you. Little!Russia is much more tolerated by the YAO WANG unit, more liked by the TORIS LORINAITIS and ALFRED F. JONES units, but bullied by GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If you would prefer a fully grown IVAN BRAGINSKI, then you can call Customer Services and we will take back the Little!Russia. Please get him in the box before growing too attached, though.

**End Notes**

With proper care and treatment of your unit, IVAN BRAGINSKI will become a great companion. There is a lifetime warranty on him, so if there are any problems that Customer Services cannot help you with, send him back and tell us what went wrong. Good luck!

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**A/N:** rewrite one complete


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